I spent the morning with Mimi and did her usual shower and all the normal stuff. Before her shower though we talked one of our good deep talks and I wanted to share some of that with all of you.
I can only share my perspective on this conversation that we had, but I want to share it with you anyway... I will be the first to admit, I am naieve to the full understanding of what is happening with Mimi and I in no way shape or form know what I am talking about during our converstations like this one... I only can share with what comes from my heart and what my heart is "feeling".
As blunt as this may sound, it's the truth. Right now Mimi feels like she has lost her hope/faith. She shares that she carries guilt because of that loss of faith and hope, yet doesnt know what to do with either. I feel like that's a tradgedy and want to help her find at least some of it. NOT in the sense that she has to go back and find the hope of she will be ok or whatever... but more the sense of purpose for whatever time God has left for her here on Earth. I think she has accepted the fact that she is going to die.... NONE of us know when that's going to happen... none of us know when that's going to happen for each of us for that matter. I think the best way to explain what Mimi has been telling me is that, she has just accepted she is going to die and so whats the best thing she can do just ride it out smoothly. None of us know how this must feel unless you have been in that position. Like I said before I have NO understanding of what she is feeling. I almost see her curling up into "a little ball" metaphorically speaking. A ball that takes her away from it all... not only from the pain/disappointment/hurt that she may be feeling, but it also takes her away from any joy in life.
I asked her today if she had seen the movie Bucket List. If you have... you know that a bucket list is a list of roughly 20-25 things you want to do before you die. I tried to get out of her what some of those things for her would be. Let me tell you that was tough.
1. She wants to redo her kitchen.
2. She wants to get slip covers for her couchs and the new chairs they ordered for the living room!
Sounds very reasonable to me... but I want to get to the root of what does she want to do that gives her purpose... purpose to get out of bed everyday. Something that can take her mind off the few things she is concerned with right now... she seems to almost be in survival mode. Her next thoughts usually are: 1) when can I go lay back down in bed? 2) What is for the next meal (the steriods are keeping her apitite good) 3) When do I have to sit out in the chair next?
First of all... don't get me wrong... I am ALL for her having her healing period and getting the rest she needs. None of us want to push her further than she should... but I see her hurting so badly and so down and in tears way too often and I know she deserves and needs more than that. I feel like its our job as her family to help her get to that place. Maybe it just takes time, maybe we just need to wait for her and her/God's timing... I don't know. I do know that I don't want to push her for my own selfish reasons... I want to and I know I speak for everyone in the family... that we want to do whatever is right for Mimi.
I feel comfortable sharing all of this here because it isn't anything her and I haven't discussed. I have come down on her once or twice and flat out asked her... where did all your hope go? Selfishly I said to her... it's not fair to JJ to have to watch you be in bed all the time... what if God is only giving you a short amount of time left here... is that how you want to spend the last years/months/days... whatever... with him? with any of us?
I know Mimi in her heart of hearts wants and needs more and that's what I am after. I want to help her find that. I know she is making some great progess healing from a surgical standpoint and I am also realisitic to know that her brain is definitely affected by this tumor... sometimes her vision and thoughts are very unclear. Other times... very clear. We don't know how else her brain and emotions are affected by all of that... and then the meds and side effects etc... it gets rather complicated! That im all ok with.
Again, just to recap thoughts here... HOW do you find that hope again? Not false hope, but hope that gives you peace and happiness.
Any thoughts friends? I hope I have conveyed this in a good way, but maybe some of you have been in a similar situtation or maybe just have some thoughts, words of hope, or whatever comes to your mind. Feel free to share...
As always you can email her at: strengthformim@yahoo.com (I promise we are getting each and every email to her)
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